our cab driver is having phone sex.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
