i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
