Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
