i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
