i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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