i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
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Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
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2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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