literally had 100 drinks last night.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Randomize
