I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
