Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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