Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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