Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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