stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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