Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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