rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
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i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
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He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize