Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
