i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
