Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
