i think my mom watched the whole time
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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