So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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