dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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