By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
