my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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