At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
