I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
