Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
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Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
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the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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