It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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