i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
