I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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