Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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