and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
