you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
