I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.