I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
