Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
