My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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