I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
