I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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