I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
