She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
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it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
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I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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