I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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