But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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