This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
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He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
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You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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