vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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