hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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