She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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