I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
