well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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