i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
