he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
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I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
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it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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