you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
