Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
