Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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