this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
