i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
