The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
